I thought, but not. Why?
Thoughts flow without threads, and started aimless Brownian motion. Stochastic processes => chaos? No.
I know time has been incorrectly imposed. The wrong time. Two years.
The trajectory of my life so far may also have been ill-posed. Things don' t feel right. Looks as if everything is wrong.
I said, go, Xianrui.
You should go, ahead, not backwards. I know you well, Xianrui; you are never scared of physical torment, it is full of your life ever since you were born.
But I know you will get burned out by mental torment. The feel of incorrectness instead of a defeating fiasco that would set you on fire.
There are many why's. Unfortunately you are not permitted to have full access to their answers.

In your career, you did what you need to get to where you are. And you are where you are.
In your life, you are at the mercy of fate, with your mental strength exercised by brutal torture of betrayal, confinement of power, and the ultimate pain of seeing, chained, what you connected with you life taken away in front of your eyes.

This is a recursive call of the program. It does not have a converging point. Each time it does something different, but invariably brings you pain. The pain wears your mind, to the very core that once exposed will separate you from the rest of the world. Lights and spirits, answer your calls, leaving you in the peace that drives all your earthly traits to extinction.

I heard your cry for salvation. I trembled when you send your pain that is tearing you asunder. Remember the Teresa of the faint smile and Clair? You were born to undergo all the pain, their purpose is to wear you out till you show your true self, the strongest, maybe ruthless self. Loneliness is the payment for being you, suffering is the vaccine of your daemonic power.

This guy is REALLY cool and funny.

After days of depression I was finally able to find my passion for science back from the talk... Any truly great discovery in science starts with the interest in the question you asked itself. So for the seminal discoveries in biology, lots of important things are found simply because of the passion in the biological question itself - and that drives the passion to learn mathematical and computational tools to explain and explore the questions. So in this sense, the scientists in this field are biologists at the core - but also versatile on the surface. Devotion of passion to one subject at a time and get motivated that way is a good way to make discoveries; that way your life is much less likely to be miserable. Also, as serendipity, that might well sparkle inspirations as discoveries in your field moves on to the ecstasy of elucidation. Comes with the joy is the interest in other tools or logic that inherently underlie the phenomena, and the abstract nature of the phenotype we observe.